And guys, if you exploit a girl, it will come back to get you. That’s called ‘karma.’

— Bill O’Reilly, in his book, “The O’Reilly Factor For Kids,” 2004

After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump. I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.

— Jason Giambi

Nietzsche was so intelligent and advanced. And that’s how I am. I’m the black, basketball-playing Nietzsche.

— THE_REAL_SHAQ

In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor of the language, a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib) is not — which is unfortunate. A Wife, here, has no sex; she is neuter … To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description…

— Mark Twain, The Awful German Language

I like the guacamole… Now, I don’t really love the guacamole. So I get it when I feel like it. They changed their guacamole from $1.50 to $1.80. I mean, $1.50 is already pretty darn high. So they changed it to $1.80, and I’ll never again get guacamole.

— 2009 AL Cy Young Award winner Zack Greinke, on the guacamole at Chipotle

Because none of the White Sox guys like me. So I was hoping that he’d recognize me and be like, ‘You punk, I hate you.’ But he didn’t do that.

— 2009 AL Cy Young Award winner Zack Greinke, on hoping President Obama would cuss him out at the All-Star game

I’d say the average person wouldn’t eat a Chipotle burrito and still do his running, full speed, like me. That’s why they call me special.

— 2009 AL Cy Young Award winner Zack Greinke